July 2012

London’s Big Sporty Thing (part 4)


One-eyed mascot Wenlock

Olympic mascot Wenlock. He has one eye. And it’s looking straight at you. Picture from Adrian Court on flickr, http://www.flickr.com/photos/adriancourt/7545932078/

A swimming record and a bronze medal, both broken in questionable ways… the empty seat problem taken to its natural conclusion… David Cameron putting a hex on all things British… it’s the stuff that Big Sporty Dreams are made of.

Confusion reigned at the Olympic synchronised diving events on Monday when all competitors successfully made their dives into the giant pool. Organisers were left red-faced as they raced to make the pool smaller so that three competitors could be declared better than the others. Within an hour, the pool had been reduced in quick succession to the sizes of a paddling pool, a whisky glass and, finally, an eggcup, into which only the Chinese competitors could fit.

Admiral Sebastian Lord Coe has announced that, from tomorrow, empty seats will be shot on sight. “We’ve got to take extreme measures about these empty seats,” he intoned at a Greenwich gathering of supporters, well-wishers and Death Eaters this morning. “These seats, these empty seats, they just have to go.” Asked where the unwanted seats might take up residency, he was heard muttering “frigging France for all I frigging care.” Boris Johnson, still Mayor of London and failed flag-waver, blamed “bureaucrats” for not turning up to see events. Keeping the side up for British bureaucrats, Mr Johnson has made sure to make it to as many Olympic events as possible. Prime Minister David Cameron said “I totally share their frustration”, before being whisked away to his pre-assigned seating.

A new spectator medal will be offered for the television viewer who manages to count the highest number of empty seats at Olympic events. While the event was previously touted for the 2008 Beijing Olympics, the Communist Party of China ensured that a supply of cardboard people was kept inside the door of all venues so that no seat looked unoccupied for longer than two minutes.

Gold medal photo opportunist David Cameron was spotted at the Wet’n’Wild pool events, taking in the synchronised diving (which, Big Ring Thing organisers were at pains to point out, is a totally legitimate sport). With the lack of shiny swag for British competitors Tom Daley and Pete Waterfield, Mr Cameron revealed himself as an expert in same-time-diving, criticising the judges for not marking the tucks and rotations correctly. (note: this actually happened)

Sixteen-year-old Chinese swimming phenomenon Ye Shiwen has come under fire for swimming too quickly as she powered to a world-record breaking 400-metre individual medley victory, including a final 50-metre stretch that was faster than a speeding camera. “This isn’t a question of doping”, said John Leonard, director of People Who Swim Good. “It’s whether someone’s attached little motors to her legs. We’re pretty sure that leg motors aren’t allowed in the Olympics.” Mr Leonard drew comparisons to almost-forgotten Irish swimmer Michelle Smith de Bruin, who won three gold medals in Atlanta. Ms de Bruin was banned from swimming or being within fifty metres of all water in 1998 when her blood composition was discovered to be 98% potato and 2% leprechaun gold. Roughly half of the 10,500 Olympic athletes will be tested for 240 banned substances, including all medal winners. A representative of the Chinese Every Four Years team could not be persuaded to say “we like those odds”.

Brazilian judo bronze-medallist Kitadai Altikes is being issued with a new medal, after breaking his first one in the shower. Following his third place in the men’s 60kg competition on Saturday, an unfortunate incident while washing himself resulted in his medal being broken. The International Olympic Committee will issue him with a new one as long as he promises not to get it wet. Medals for the 2012 Big Sporty Thing are the largest in history, slightly bigger than a baby’s head, but have not been certified as waterproof.

Great Britain took a drubbing by Russia in the women’s handball, as David Cameron silently watched. British athletes have noticed that their performance is consistently bad when the UK Prime Rib is in attendance and have dubbed him ‘Sir Ponce of Doom’. A representative of Good Queen Brenda, herself recently elevated to the Scintillating Order of Bondgirls, confirmed that Mr Cameron has not been knighted for his services to the crown and is unlikely to gain the honour “until ee’s flung out on is ear and gets given a gawter”. Team GB secured their first medal in gymnastics for a hundred years at the Not The O2 Arena, at which Mr Cameron was not present.


Robbed from the Internet. Someone with a sense of humour made this.

London’s Big Sporty Thing (part 3)

Monday morning, July 30. All is serene in London Town.

Kim Jong-Un has announced that North Korea has so far won every event at the London Olympics. Unfortunately, the decadent West will not allow the triumphs to be beamed to the North Korean people. The State Broadcaster will recreate the experience for North Koreans next week, mostly using stick men made from matchsticks, assuming that sufficient numbers of matchsticks are supplied in this week’s family care package from China.

A set of keys has gone missing from Wembley Stadium. Police have appealed for the keys to be handed into the Lost And Found. Unfortunately, as they cannot gain access to the Wembley Stadium Lost And Found without the keys, anyone who finds them is asked to hand them into the West Ham Lost And Found. Locks have been changed in case anyone steals the valuable supply of footballs and coloured ribbons stored at the stadium.

The issue of unoccupied spectator seats continues, with corporate sponsors denying that the empty seats are among those allocated for their needs, wants and desires. Ronald McDonald spoke on behalf of McDonald’s, saying “If anything, we’re taking up more space than we should as our customers are bigger. Our customers take up 1.6 seats each on average.” Having run out of British soldiers to occupy seats, Five Rings On The Wall organisers have begun to fill remaining seats with teachers and schoolchildren. 872 million seats are expected to remain unoccupied, most of them at the women’s football final.

US athletes have taken to twitter to protest against Olympic Rule 40, which stops them from advertising sponsors that are not official Olympic Sponsors. Using the hashtag #wedemandchange (as #wedemandcash was taken), the athletes have raised the issue of not having the same rights as cars in Formula 1. A representative from ‘Jim’s Fishy Chips’, based in Hackney, backed the top-end stars and hopes to book a small part of Michael Phelps’ foot during the ceremony that will present him with his silver medal for swimming.

A Senegal player was sent off for fouling Luis Suarez during their 2-0 victory over Uruguay. Rumours that he shouted “payback, muthafucker” as he pointed and laughed at him on the ground have so far been unconfirmed.

Final stage Big Boss Seb Baron Coe has identified the mysterious lady in red who walked with India’s delegation at the opening ceremony. The woman was seen smiling and waving while walking next to India’s flag carrier at Friday night’s show from the Stratford Palladium, causing Indian newspapers to question “who the f**k was that?” According to Lord Coe, she is an unpaid volunteer: “She’s one of my maids and she shouldn’t have been there – her job is to polish my medals and to keep them really really shiny.”

London’s Big Sporty Thing (parts 1 & 2)

Weekend update from Sunday 29 July.

London's Olympic mascot - the riot edition

London’s Olympic mascot – the riot edition. Made by London-based Polish artist Whatshisname, http://www.whatshisname.co.uk

Olympic Supreme Leader Sebastian Lord Coe has refuted claims that there are empty seats at event venues across London. What appear to be unoccupied seats are in fact caused by a lack of toilet facilities at the larger venues. “It’s difficult for some spectators,” he snapped at reporters during this morning’s press conference. “After eating fourteen Big Macs in a sitting, some of them take a while to go and that’s causing some delays.”

A large clown representing McDonalds, main sponsor of the Rings of Fire, told spectators that the company would be offering free laxatives with their Gigantor Meals so that sports fans wouldn’t miss a golden moment.

There have also been some reports of unticketed fans sneaking into venues disguised as blue plastic seats. The fans have been seen arriving at all Olympic sites except for Wimbledon, where they are dressed in green. Major corporations assigned large blocs of tickets have stated that they are not dismayed by the moves of the fans as “none of the corporate types are going to turn up at the weekend anyway as [they] get paid for being there only during the week.”

Team GB has managed to win its first medal, with Lizzie Armitstead taking silver in the women’s cycling road race. Unlike yesterday, when David Cameron, Prince Charles and Boris Johnson were in the posh section of the spectator stand on The Mall, there were no well-known politicians to witness her almost-triumph. Press photographers were left confused as Mr Cameron had been very specific yesterday morning that he “wanted his picture in the paper” before he suddenly appeared quite bored towards the end of the men’s road race.

From Friday 27 July. For a change, it isn’t raining in London

In Olympic news, Brenda is holding a reception at Buck House for visiting dignitaries. Rumours are rife that Mitt Romney has been trying to sneak in the back by saying that he’s ‘important’ and ‘a personal friend of Mr Queen’. Unfortunately, he can’t remember what her name is and even declaring himself as ‘Mr Tosspot’ in an attempt to get David Cameron’s ticket has proved unfruitful.

Chorion Limited, the media company which now owns the rights to the well-known Mr Men books, has criticised the attempt by wannabe-president Romney to invent a character that may infringe on their copyright. The company claims rights over every made-up ‘Mr’ name apart from ‘Mr President’, which they don’t want. A source at the company added ‘Mitt can have that one, if he can catch it, hahaha. We call him Mr Optimist in the office but he can’t have that one either.’

London taxi drivers have formed a protest along the Mall outside Buck House as they’re annoyed that they are unable to drive ‘wherever [they] damnedwell please’ during the Quadrennial Big Sporty Thing With Rings.

Opening ceremony guru and quirk geek Danny Boyle is ‘mighty pissed’ that London has seen no rain today as he spent extra money to buy waterproof fireworks, as well as waterproof mattresses for the mechanical bouncing children. Earlier today, Londoners witnessed the Trainspotting director waving his access card to the missile silos recently erected across the former capital of Middlesex while shouting ‘Someone’s going to get it and get it good’. City-dwellers have been advised to remain a safe distance from all bridges crossing the Thames for their own safety.

Editorial warble:

It’s just hit me that the army has put missile silos on top of flats to shoot down air attacks while the air force is sending the Red Arrows over the stadium to create a spectacular trail of colour in the sky. If you can’t have a decent sea battle to celebrate Britain’s heritage (Britain’s biggest contribution to the world is the ability to make a decent boat in order to annoy the French*), there’s something to be said for a decent fight between the army on the ground and the air force in the sky. Call it an obstacle race in the sky. Kaboom versus kapow. People would be talking about it for years. *That’s* an opening ceremony. Add having an opening ceremony with a bang by sending the Orbit into orbit. I know some people are praying for a missile-laden confetti-fest of love and friendship but you can’t beat a good air battle. Athletes can join if they like – after all, they’re at the heart of it. And I want to see what those discus throwers can do.

The kids would enjoy it more than the unwanted children of the Wurzels singing tweely on the hills before the shepherdesses start drowning them so that Paul McCartney can sing about frogs.

I’m still holding out for that burning bush with a booming voice of command reading the rules. I’d take that over the shepherdesses whipping off their costumes and giving us all a naughty dance. We could see that any day of the week in Paris. Boris Johnson does.

*John Logie Baird and Isaac Newton might not agree, but there you go.