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London’s Big Sporty Thing (part 3)

Monday morning, July 30. All is serene in London Town.

Kim Jong-Un has announced that North Korea has so far won every event at the London Olympics. Unfortunately, the decadent West will not allow the triumphs to be beamed to the North Korean people. The State Broadcaster will recreate the experience for North Koreans next week, mostly using stick men made from matchsticks, assuming that sufficient numbers of matchsticks are supplied in this week’s family care package from China.

A set of keys has gone missing from Wembley Stadium. Police have appealed for the keys to be handed into the Lost And Found. Unfortunately, as they cannot gain access to the Wembley Stadium Lost And Found without the keys, anyone who finds them is asked to hand them into the West Ham Lost And Found. Locks have been changed in case anyone steals the valuable supply of footballs and coloured ribbons stored at the stadium.

The issue of unoccupied spectator seats continues, with corporate sponsors denying that the empty seats are among those allocated for their needs, wants and desires. Ronald McDonald spoke on behalf of McDonald’s, saying “If anything, we’re taking up more space than we should as our customers are bigger. Our customers take up 1.6 seats each on average.” Having run out of British soldiers to occupy seats, Five Rings On The Wall organisers have begun to fill remaining seats with teachers and schoolchildren. 872 million seats are expected to remain unoccupied, most of them at the women’s football final.

US athletes have taken to twitter to protest against Olympic Rule 40, which stops them from advertising sponsors that are not official Olympic Sponsors. Using the hashtag #wedemandchange (as #wedemandcash was taken), the athletes have raised the issue of not having the same rights as cars in Formula 1. A representative from ‘Jim’s Fishy Chips’, based in Hackney, backed the top-end stars and hopes to book a small part of Michael Phelps’ foot during the ceremony that will present him with his silver medal for swimming.

A Senegal player was sent off for fouling Luis Suarez during their 2-0 victory over Uruguay. Rumours that he shouted “payback, muthafucker” as he pointed and laughed at him on the ground have so far been unconfirmed.

Final stage Big Boss Seb Baron Coe has identified the mysterious lady in red who walked with India’s delegation at the opening ceremony. The woman was seen smiling and waving while walking next to India’s flag carrier at Friday night’s show from the Stratford Palladium, causing Indian newspapers to question “who the f**k was that?” According to Lord Coe, she is an unpaid volunteer: “She’s one of my maids and she shouldn’t have been there – her job is to polish my medals and to keep them really really shiny.”