London’s Big Sporty Thing (parts 1 & 2)

Weekend update from Sunday 29 July.

London's Olympic mascot - the riot edition

London’s Olympic mascot – the riot edition. Made by London-based Polish artist Whatshisname,

Olympic Supreme Leader Sebastian Lord Coe has refuted claims that there are empty seats at event venues across London. What appear to be unoccupied seats are in fact caused by a lack of toilet facilities at the larger venues. “It’s difficult for some spectators,” he snapped at reporters during this morning’s press conference. “After eating fourteen Big Macs in a sitting, some of them take a while to go and that’s causing some delays.”

A large clown representing McDonalds, main sponsor of the Rings of Fire, told spectators that the company would be offering free laxatives with their Gigantor Meals so that sports fans wouldn’t miss a golden moment.

There have also been some reports of unticketed fans sneaking into venues disguised as blue plastic seats. The fans have been seen arriving at all Olympic sites except for Wimbledon, where they are dressed in green. Major corporations assigned large blocs of tickets have stated that they are not dismayed by the moves of the fans as “none of the corporate types are going to turn up at the weekend anyway as [they] get paid for being there only during the week.”

Team GB has managed to win its first medal, with Lizzie Armitstead taking silver in the women’s cycling road race. Unlike yesterday, when David Cameron, Prince Charles and Boris Johnson were in the posh section of the spectator stand on The Mall, there were no well-known politicians to witness her almost-triumph. Press photographers were left confused as Mr Cameron had been very specific yesterday morning that he “wanted his picture in the paper” before he suddenly appeared quite bored towards the end of the men’s road race.

From Friday 27 July. For a change, it isn’t raining in London

In Olympic news, Brenda is holding a reception at Buck House for visiting dignitaries. Rumours are rife that Mitt Romney has been trying to sneak in the back by saying that he’s ‘important’ and ‘a personal friend of Mr Queen’. Unfortunately, he can’t remember what her name is and even declaring himself as ‘Mr Tosspot’ in an attempt to get David Cameron’s ticket has proved unfruitful.

Chorion Limited, the media company which now owns the rights to the well-known Mr Men books, has criticised the attempt by wannabe-president Romney to invent a character that may infringe on their copyright. The company claims rights over every made-up ‘Mr’ name apart from ‘Mr President’, which they don’t want. A source at the company added ‘Mitt can have that one, if he can catch it, hahaha. We call him Mr Optimist in the office but he can’t have that one either.’

London taxi drivers have formed a protest along the Mall outside Buck House as they’re annoyed that they are unable to drive ‘wherever [they] damnedwell please’ during the Quadrennial Big Sporty Thing With Rings.

Opening ceremony guru and quirk geek Danny Boyle is ‘mighty pissed’ that London has seen no rain today as he spent extra money to buy waterproof fireworks, as well as waterproof mattresses for the mechanical bouncing children. Earlier today, Londoners witnessed the Trainspotting director waving his access card to the missile silos recently erected across the former capital of Middlesex while shouting ‘Someone’s going to get it and get it good’. City-dwellers have been advised to remain a safe distance from all bridges crossing the Thames for their own safety.

Editorial warble:

It’s just hit me that the army has put missile silos on top of flats to shoot down air attacks while the air force is sending the Red Arrows over the stadium to create a spectacular trail of colour in the sky. If you can’t have a decent sea battle to celebrate Britain’s heritage (Britain’s biggest contribution to the world is the ability to make a decent boat in order to annoy the French*), there’s something to be said for a decent fight between the army on the ground and the air force in the sky. Call it an obstacle race in the sky. Kaboom versus kapow. People would be talking about it for years. *That’s* an opening ceremony. Add having an opening ceremony with a bang by sending the Orbit into orbit. I know some people are praying for a missile-laden confetti-fest of love and friendship but you can’t beat a good air battle. Athletes can join if they like – after all, they’re at the heart of it. And I want to see what those discus throwers can do.

The kids would enjoy it more than the unwanted children of the Wurzels singing tweely on the hills before the shepherdesses start drowning them so that Paul McCartney can sing about frogs.

I’m still holding out for that burning bush with a booming voice of command reading the rules. I’d take that over the shepherdesses whipping off their costumes and giving us all a naughty dance. We could see that any day of the week in Paris. Boris Johnson does.

*John Logie Baird and Isaac Newton might not agree, but there you go.