London’s Big Sporty Thing (part 4)


One-eyed mascot Wenlock

Olympic mascot Wenlock. He has one eye. And it’s looking straight at you. Picture from Adrian Court on flickr,

A swimming record and a bronze medal, both broken in questionable ways… the empty seat problem taken to its natural conclusion… David Cameron putting a hex on all things British… it’s the stuff that Big Sporty Dreams are made of.

Confusion reigned at the Olympic synchronised diving events on Monday when all competitors successfully made their dives into the giant pool. Organisers were left red-faced as they raced to make the pool smaller so that three competitors could be declared better than the others. Within an hour, the pool had been reduced in quick succession to the sizes of a paddling pool, a whisky glass and, finally, an eggcup, into which only the Chinese competitors could fit.

Admiral Sebastian Lord Coe has announced that, from tomorrow, empty seats will be shot on sight. “We’ve got to take extreme measures about these empty seats,” he intoned at a Greenwich gathering of supporters, well-wishers and Death Eaters this morning. “These seats, these empty seats, they just have to go.” Asked where the unwanted seats might take up residency, he was heard muttering “frigging France for all I frigging care.” Boris Johnson, still Mayor of London and failed flag-waver, blamed “bureaucrats” for not turning up to see events. Keeping the side up for British bureaucrats, Mr Johnson has made sure to make it to as many Olympic events as possible. Prime Minister David Cameron said “I totally share their frustration”, before being whisked away to his pre-assigned seating.

A new spectator medal will be offered for the television viewer who manages to count the highest number of empty seats at Olympic events. While the event was previously touted for the 2008 Beijing Olympics, the Communist Party of China ensured that a supply of cardboard people was kept inside the door of all venues so that no seat looked unoccupied for longer than two minutes.

Gold medal photo opportunist David Cameron was spotted at the Wet’n’Wild pool events, taking in the synchronised diving (which, Big Ring Thing organisers were at pains to point out, is a totally legitimate sport). With the lack of shiny swag for British competitors Tom Daley and Pete Waterfield, Mr Cameron revealed himself as an expert in same-time-diving, criticising the judges for not marking the tucks and rotations correctly. (note: this actually happened)

Sixteen-year-old Chinese swimming phenomenon Ye Shiwen has come under fire for swimming too quickly as she powered to a world-record breaking 400-metre individual medley victory, including a final 50-metre stretch that was faster than a speeding camera. “This isn’t a question of doping”, said John Leonard, director of People Who Swim Good. “It’s whether someone’s attached little motors to her legs. We’re pretty sure that leg motors aren’t allowed in the Olympics.” Mr Leonard drew comparisons to almost-forgotten Irish swimmer Michelle Smith de Bruin, who won three gold medals in Atlanta. Ms de Bruin was banned from swimming or being within fifty metres of all water in 1998 when her blood composition was discovered to be 98% potato and 2% leprechaun gold. Roughly half of the 10,500 Olympic athletes will be tested for 240 banned substances, including all medal winners. A representative of the Chinese Every Four Years team could not be persuaded to say “we like those odds”.

Brazilian judo bronze-medallist Kitadai Altikes is being issued with a new medal, after breaking his first one in the shower. Following his third place in the men’s 60kg competition on Saturday, an unfortunate incident while washing himself resulted in his medal being broken. The International Olympic Committee will issue him with a new one as long as he promises not to get it wet. Medals for the 2012 Big Sporty Thing are the largest in history, slightly bigger than a baby’s head, but have not been certified as waterproof.

Great Britain took a drubbing by Russia in the women’s handball, as David Cameron silently watched. British athletes have noticed that their performance is consistently bad when the UK Prime Rib is in attendance and have dubbed him ‘Sir Ponce of Doom’. A representative of Good Queen Brenda, herself recently elevated to the Scintillating Order of Bondgirls, confirmed that Mr Cameron has not been knighted for his services to the crown and is unlikely to gain the honour “until ee’s flung out on is ear and gets given a gawter”. Team GB secured their first medal in gymnastics for a hundred years at the Not The O2 Arena, at which Mr Cameron was not present.