London’s Big Sporty Thing (part 10)

Usain Bolt (right) and former partner Wenlock (left). The two have been engaged in a bitter custody battle over their child (pictured) for three years.

Ben Ainslee verbally slaps Gary Lineker, obvious joke about Usain Bolt and there’s a nut on the loose with a beer bottle. Who thought that they hold the men’s 100m final on Sunday as there’s nothing else of interest…

Jamaica, we have a bobsleigh team
Celebrated sprinter Usain Bolt last night announced his defection from athletics to the winter sport of bobsleighing. Having been approached by an implausibly fat white man minutes after his 9.63 gold medal-winning performance in the 100m sprint yesterday evening, Bolt has recruited fellow Jamaican sprinters Asafa Powell and Yohan Blake to his proposed team. The fast-talking fat man won Bolt over with a ten second elevator pitch of a new idea: “World-class sprinters… in the bobsleigh!” Bolt hopes to add Nesta Carter to the team as soon as Carter finishes his degree course at Harvard Law School. Jamaica has a long tradition in the winter sport of bobsleigh, having first competed at the 1988 Winter Olympics in Calgary. Former Jamaican competitor Lascelles Brown, who now competes for Canada, has won two Olympic medals for the sport. Although Jamaica won a gold medal at the 2000 World Push Championships in Monaco (youtube link), in recent years, the team has been lacking success. Bolt is adamant that the presence of four world-class sprinters on the team will result in considerable success at Sochi in 2014. Film studios worldwide are competing for the movie rights, in the hope that the story will be appealing.

Following Bolt’s victory, newspaper editors across the planet were deluged by requests last night from journalists who wanted to use puns related to ‘Bolt’, ‘lightning’, ‘streak’, ‘strike’, ‘flash’, ‘thunder’and ‘zoom’. While many of these requests were granted, subeditors altered many pages that contained ‘streak’ and ‘flash’ due to considerations for the well-being of the aged and the infirm.

One bottle of beer on the track, one bottle of beer…
A spectator has arrested by London’s Metropolitan Police for throwing a bottle on to the track just before yesterday’s 100m sprint final. Unfortunately for the offender, he was sitting next to world judo champion Edith Bosch when he chose to throw the missile. She hit him on his back with her hand, preventing him from throwing himself after the bottle. The bottle landed behind the sprinters and there was no disruption to the event. It is not known how a spectator managed to smuggle a glass bottle into the stadium. Usain Bolt has expressed some dismay at dissatisfied audience members being allowed to bring bottles while he was blocked from entering the Olympic Stadium wearing a tie and carrying his skipping rope. Speculation is mounting that the bottle-thrower was defrocked priest and infamous troublemaker Neil Horan, as he has very short arms.

Dear crazy suicide bombers…
Terrorists across western Europe expressed excitement yesterday that uniforms given to Big Sporty Thing volunteers are popping up on auction sites. As the first batch of volunteers finished their week’s duties, listings for watches, footwear and official uniforms began appearing on Internet auction sites. Officially known as ‘Gamesmakers’, volunteers are allowed to keep the uniforms, printed guides, nuclear launch codes and bright-red Swatches with which they were issued at the beginning of the Games.  Last week, Gamesmakers were asked to bring a spare shirt to work so that they could let it rest on an empty seat.

Mad, bad and dangerous to know
Canadian rider Tiffany Considerably-Toffish expressed confusion yesterday when she was blocked from entering the 3000m steeplechase on her horse Victor. Officials were surprised when the horse cantered into the Olympic Stadium, ridden by Ms Considerably-Toffish, as all equestrian events are being held at Greenwich Park on the south side of the Thames. She mounted a small press conference outside the stadium entrance after dismounting Victor, during which she “curse[d] Sebastian Coe to hell for wasting [her] valuable time”. Ms Considerably-Toffish was later seen taking her horse into Stratford tube station, asking for directions to the water polo venue. Victor was unavailable for comment. The race was won by Ezekiel Kemboi of Kenya, without the use of a horse.

Ohuruogu pestered by a candy man
Athletes biting their medals finally bore, um, fruit, last night as Britain’s Christine Ohuruogu discovered that her 400m silver medal was just a silver wrapper over a chocolate disc. Rushing to the podium to congratulate her, Willy Wonka of Cadbury’s announced that her “real prize” will be a trip to a day-long tour of Cadbury’s chocolate factories throughout the UK. Ms Ohuruogu looked less than amused until she was also presented with a silver medal. Andy Murray, triumphant winner of the men’s singles tournament held at Wimbledon (but not ‘Wimbledon’) instantly bit into his medal to see if he would also find a golden ticket or chocolate disc. His unsuccessful attempt gained him a trip to the dentist tomorrow. Hundreds of placed athletes have been biting their medals all week at the prompting of photo-journalists. There are four Cadbury’s-sponsored trips remaining to deserving children.

Greatest UK TV moment ever:
Gary Lineker to gold-medal sailor Ben Ainslie last night on BBC1: “Will you get back in the boat for Rio in 2016?”
Ben Ainslie to Gary Lineker: “Will you still be hosting Match of the Day in 2016?”
Unfortunately, it seems that Gary Lineker couldn’t hear what the just-medalled Ben Ainslie was saying. As yet, there are no youtube videos of the exchange.