Kevin Myers was on RTE Radio 1’s Today With Sean O’Rourke this morning to talk about his article in the Sunday Times last Sunday. The one that caused people outside Ireland to finally notice that Kevin Myers is a racist anti-Semitic misogynist. Myers insisted that he’s not anti-Semitic or misogynistic (despite having a long and documented history of both), adding that he is “very, very sorry”.

Apologies are funny things and I’ve been taken to task by people in the past for objecting to some of these apologies on the basis that saying “I apologise for any offence caused” is a mealy-mouthed statement which puts some of the blame on the people to whom offence was caused. Perhaps I’m being too particular. I don’t think I am but you can make that case. So don’t be too surprised when I get even more particular here.

Anyhoo, here’s Kevin Myers – who’s long been the most dislikeable Myers since that bloke out of Halloween – apologising (“very, very sorry”, etc). Then he includes: “I am the author of that article, I am the author of my own misfortunes, I am the master of my soul”.

Woah. “I am the master of my soul”? Myers quoted Invictus in his apology? The poem written by William Ernest Henley when recovering from having one of his legs chopped off? The poem recited regularly by Nelson Mandela to fellow prisoners during his incarceration on Robben Island? A poem whose title literally translates as “Unconquered”?

Kevin Myers likes to read. He likes to let you know that he likes to read. He knows full-well where that quote comes from and what it means. It’s one of the world’s best-known poems and, through its association with Nelson Mandela, has become one of the world’s best-known poems about defiance. It has been quoted again and again by people who believe that they are victims of undue persecution, to demonstrate that they are unbowed, unafraid and possess an unconquerable soul.

The actual closing lines of the poem are “I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul”, but “I am the master of my soul” is one of the world’s better-known misquotes of poetry. He knows what he’s quoting.

You may, if you must, regard Kevin Myers’ appearance on the radio as an actual apology. But nobody on the face of the planet has ever quoted Invictus while making a genuine apology. He’s serving up a big apology cake with a piece of shit in the middle and asking you to eat it. Enjoy your shit cake, Ireland.

For a country that gets so annoyed when foreigners (mainly Americans, let’s start by pointing fingers) claim to be from here when they’re from the place where they’re from, Irish people tend to love claiming anyone with a barely tangential historical relationship with Ireland.

I experienced Barack Obama Plaza for the first time yesterday evening. For foreigners who are not from here, Barack Obama Plaza is a motorway service area in the middle of nowhere, mainly consisting of a petrol station, a fast food joint and a convenience shop. It’s named after your current president for no better reason than it gives a concrete craphole an aura of worth. Oh, there’s an exhibition upstairs, which I didn’t get to see as it closes when it gets dark. I assume it contains utterly useless crap like the pint glass Barack Obama drank out of when he visited here, a toenail clippng, a few pictures and a copy of someone’s birth cert. Even though I’ve just listed the most boring rubbish you could possibly have in an exhibition, I bet it has everything I mentioned except the toenail clipping.

They advertise the place on buses so I assumed it would have a funfair or a circus or at the very least some sort of statue in an actual plaza. It has none of these. I am comparatively confident that it is the most overstated spot on the planet and I’ve been to most of the locations mentioned in the unofficial guide to Britain’s worst theme parks.

Barack Obama Plaza on Ireland’s M7 motorway. It’s not Camelot. Picture via Killeen Civil Engineering.

It’s the beginning of Dante’s Divine Comedy, where Dante finds himself falling into a deep place with a silent sun, unable to see the path to salvation. It’s the story within a story in Poe’s ‘A Descent into the Maelström’, a vortex which swallows soul and sanity until nothing of consequence survives. It’s the mythological Lethe, the river that upon entry wipes away your past, leaving you as a blank slate to be rewritten or discarded.

In the awful TV version of this non-tale, part of my soul never gets to leave that non-place and remains there, staring out the window for all of eternity.

There’s a moral here. Oh yes: stop advertising petrol stations on buses. I thought Barack Obama Plaza would be some sort of modern-day Camelot, a place of justice, chivalry and affordable health care. It is not. Don’t be fooled. Oh and the service in the Supermacs is really fecking slow too as staff get confused by more than one order. That’s because all reason and rationality have been sucked into the hellmouth of pitiless storm, rounded by houseless head and and unfed sides, bereft of all but ragged madness.

The point, which we’ve taken some time to reach, is that I suggest that you will get to your destination sooner if you just zip past. Especially tourists. Just keep going.

Eventually during all tasks that last longer than a few days, I tend to flop into taking the piss mode. It’s safe and ultimately my default. I feel like going full-on Poe’s Law testing mode for the next moth. I should definitely be allowed to knock on doors now.

You can look up Poe’s Law on your own time.

Anyway, to business…

As we all know, Ireland’s marriage equality referendum on May 22, if passed, will lead to more people turning gay. People will definitely see it as a lifestyle choice. And not just a lifestyle choice: a trendy one. And people like to be trendy. People will walk out of their marriages and enter new ones. Trendy gay ones.In the past, gay people who really wanted to be married and have a Big Day had to rely on straight marriage and having kids so that they could wear a white dress or whatever it is that men wear at these things. But now that gay people can get married to other gay people, straight marriage (if we can even call it that) will fall apart. It won’t be enough to be married. You’ll have to be gay married.

These completely new gay people, having chosen to be gay, will leave their children and romp happily to the gay plantations established mainly to convince other people that the gay lifestyle is for them. You know what this’ll do to immigration. It’ll mean more of it. People from other cultures where gayness isn’t accepted will keep having children and emigrate here. Before long there’ll be more immigrants than people whose ancestors migrated here thousands of years ago or hundreds of years ago or last week. Some of these new immigrants might be black or less pasty than the natives who’ve lived here since they were born. So all straight people will be black. And they’ll be breeding, because that’s what straight people do.

This child could already be gay.

That child in that photo? She’ll be gay. Gay marriage will make her gay. Is that what you want? Because that’s what’ll happen. Pink unicorns on the grounds of Áras an Uachtaráin and dancing bears wherever they can fit. There’ll be dancing at every wedding and fornication after in the upstairs bedroom.

You should listen to Breda O’Brien and her Iona peeps. She’s not crazy. Or homophobic. She’d rather gay people married her children than married each other.

Those people aren’t even married. And that’s not their child.

Look at the man and woman kissing that child in the other poster. That child isn’t even their child. They’ve been assembled together just because they look nice. And they’re touching the child. That seems wrong. Remember: a distant, abusive parent is better than a gay one. Because gay.

Vote. You might as well. Because when we all become gay atheist communists, there won’t be any more voting.

This week’s Idiot of the Week is James Reilly, Irish Minister for Health.

James Reilly, Irish Minister for Health. He's the one with the giant scissors.  Photo: Laura Hutton/Photocall Ireland

James Reilly, Irish Minister for Health. He’s the one with the giant scissors. Photo: Laura Hutton/Photocall Ireland

There’s one sentence that became very important in Irish politics over the past few decades: “I’ll sort ye out, lads”. It was a sentence that preserved political and financial power for people who already had it and acted as a stepping stone for those who didn’t have it but wanted it. It accompanied shady planning decisions, dodgy financial transfers, nods, winks, conveniently closed eyes, choreographed shuffles and brown cash-packed envelopes handed over with the knowing smile of a guest at a Mafia wedding. By 2011 it was almost-universally seen as synonymous with Fianna Fail, who had been in government since 1997.

The Fine Gael party swept to power in Ireland in 2011, surfing a wave of disgust with a political system rotten to its core and an economy blown apart by years of nod’n’wink political mismanagement under Fianna Fail. While there are some tasks faced by the Fine Gael-Labour coalition government that are extremely troublesome, such as growing unemployment, a nightmare-inducing financial sector and government expenditure much higher than taxation income, some tasks are remarkably simple, like avoiding the corruption of their predecessors to a level where even the hint of corruption should be the equivalent of a “Danger” sign hitting them in the face.

Enter James Reilly, appointed as Minister for Health by Taoiseach Enda Kenny in March 2011. Reilly was one of Kenny’s core supporters in the challenge to his party leadership in 2010. When the challenge failed, Reilly reaped part of the benefit, being appointed deputy leader of Fine Gael. Without the actions of Reilly and Michael Noonan (now Minister for Finance) in supporting Enda Kenny throughout that challenge to his party leadership, Kenny would now be sitting on the parliamentary back benches, watching someone else lead the country. Irish political careers rely on grace and favour as much as they ever have. James Reilly’s reward was to be appointed as Deputy Leader of Enda Kenny’s party and as Minister for Health when the party came to power after the next general election. There was a debt to be paid for his support and that debt was paid.

The Irish health system is in a mess and has been for some considerable time. It has a budget out of control. Its accounting practices have failed to meet recognised standards. Confidential medical records have not remained secured. Tallaght Hospital is using a bank overdraft to remain open. Some of these problems can be blamed on the previous government led by Fianna Fail. Others are indicative of a system that is behaving like an unbroken stallion, with James Reilly standing at the edge of the paddock, praying that it will calm down.

On its own, all that this would indicate is a lack of ability to have any aspect of control over the Irish health system. The previous Minister, Mary Harney, had little direction to give the unbroken stallion, failing to keep spending to a reasonable level in a government department that had its budget expended year-on-year, even as administrators promised to get spending under control. Mere lack of competence isn’t usually enough to be declared Idiot of the Week.

However, Reilly’s actions go beyond the apparent inability to control a scary monster. For almost a decade, Irish governmental policy on healthcare is to supplement a diminished number of hospitals with primary care facilities, which are intended to house teams of doctors. The more expensive hospitals will then cater exclusively for serious medical cases. Selection of locations for additional primary care centres has been high on James Reilly’s task list since taking office. When the list of selected locations was published in September, the list of thirty locations selected by the HSE had five additional locations included, two of which were in Reilly’s electoral constituency. Based on the selection criteria, Balbriggan was in 44th place and Swords was 130th (both in north Dublin, from an initial list of 200 locations). Between the “final” selection and the release of the list, both locations almost magically jumped the selection order and became part of a new list of 35. While Reilly attempted to explain the change in the rankings as a result of changes to the criteria made by junior Minister Roisin Shortall, the Irish Times demonstrated that the rankings were not affected by her decision. Her later decision to resign as Junior Minister affected much more: it brought the magical ranking changes into public view.

James Reilly added extra primary care sites, including two in his own constituency, without explaining to anyone why these had been added. An explanation still hasn’t been provided, apart from a statement that the criteria had been changed back to earlier requirements. and calling it a “logistical, logarithmic progression” (which in political-speak generally means either “I don’t know” or “I’m not telling”). Changing these requirements had the added convenience of including two care centres in his own electoral area. Defending his decision in Dáil Éireann, he said that the two towns had been selected as important locations for primary care before he became Minister for Health. Education Minister Ruairi Quinn backed Reilly’s position, saying that the site had been selected by the previous Minister, Mary Harney. Unfortunately for Quinn’s statement, it turned out that the previous minister had been looking at a different site. Ruairi Quinn later got angry that he’d misled elected representatives by being fed false information. Reilly admitted that what he’d said wasn’t correct.

The owner of the site, Fine Gael supporter and property developer Seamus Murphy claimed that he knew James Reilly “from the television“. A picture was found and published of the two of them smiling in a picture at a fundraiser. Reilly insisted that he has no business relationship with Murphy. I suppose it depends on the definition of the word “business” – he used Murphy’s premises as an electoral base in at least one election.

James Reilly is now in the position where his actions and reactions can be seen as incompetent at best. To political commentators, they smell of guilt. Worse still, he’s acting as the focal point for the growing belief that when Irish citizens elected the government of which he’s a part, they merely replaced one group of self-serving corrupt incompetents with a similar group brandishing a different logo.

It isn’t even enough to be clean – after the years of corruption under their predecessors in government, they have to be seen to be clean. The current Irish government has failed on both counts. With vague answers, incorrect retorts and a relaxed attitude to misleading his own parliament, he current Minister for Health has failed on both counts. If it is “stroke politics” and “I’ll sort ye out, lads”, it’s precisely what the electorate expressed disdain for at the ballot box. If it isn’t stroke politics, it idiotically looks just like it, walks like it and even quacks like it. Either way, Ireland’s health minister either qualifies as this week’s Idiot of the Week or is, amazingly, overqualified for it and, thus, deserves the award with double oak-leaf clusters. He’s provided a smorgasbord of idiocy. It would be an injustice to give this week’s award to anyone else.

Dishonourable mentions:

 

Barack Obama – worst foot forward

Barack Obama has never been the world’s best debater. His debate win against John McCain in 2008 happened largely because McCain peppered his speeches with bursts of “my friends” as though the watching audience was engaged in a chorus of “Kumbaya”. In this year’s first presidential debate on October 3, Obama forgot to mention the weaknesses in Mitt Romney’s tax policy (specifically the parts that involve borrowing 5 trillion dollars to pay for it), didn’t mention Romney’s career with Bain Capital, ignored Romney’s infamous comments about the 47% and generally allowed the former Massachusetts governor to blow by him like a rogue pilot stealing a fighter jet. Ignoring these obvious points and shuffling his shoes gave Romney a debate win that was so obvious that even Democrats couldn’t argue with it. Gallup polling showed that Romney scored what is probably the biggest debate win in recorded post-debate polling history. Reportedly, Obama thought that he’d won the debate. Er, no, he didn’t. We all have off-days (I spent most of last Sunday sleeping, eating cheese and watching Men In Black 3) and one poor performance in a single debate will not cost Obama the election. However, another two similar performances in the remaining debates probably would.

Twelve hours later and still in Colorado, Barack Obama had the quips and answers that he needed the night before (youtube video: 7 minutes). 70 million people watched the Romney/Obama debate. Far fewer saw Obama’s jokes about Big Bird on C-Span the day after. Zero points for timing. Based on Romney’s ability and attitudes, this election race should have been over weeks ago, rather than warming up now. Somehow, in 42 minutes of talking, Obama made it a contest again. Obama came as Uncle Fluffy rather than Dr Jekyll and allowed Romney’s Mr Hyde to run rings around him. Twelve hours later, Obama effectively emphasised that he’s far better with a teleprompter telling him what to say. While some commentators are desperately pushing the notion that it’s a ploy from the Obama camp, another ploy like that may result in Barack Obama booking a house-mover for January 2013. It’s not quite enough to be Idiot of the Week but it’s first in the runner-up list.

 

Ah, Todd, you’re at it again.

Remember Todd Akin? By now, you may have forgotten his comments about “legitimate rape”. If you, have, never mind – he’s got new things to make him noteworthy. Speaking at a town hall debate on September 28, Akin declared his opposition to equal pay when asked about pay differences between men and women. His comments came a single day after he offered his view that incumbent senator for Missouri Claire McCaskill was “much more ladylike” in 2006. The same day, one of Akin’s consultants compared him to David Koresh… and meant it as a compliment. With friends like that (charging by the hour), who needs enemies or opponents, especially when reporters are choosing, of all people, fellow Missourians Jeff Smith and Rod Jetton to give their views on Akin’s gaffes. Here’s the bit from the town hall:

AUDIENCE MEMBER: “You voted against the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act. Why do you think it is okay for a woman to be paid less for doing the same work as a man?”
AKIN: “Well, first of all, the premise of your question is that I’m making that particular distinction. I believe in free enterprise. I don’t think the government should be telling people what you pay and what you don’t pay. I think it’s about freedom. If someone wants to hire somebody and they agree on a salary, that’s fine, however it wants to work. So, the government sticking its nose into all kinds of things has gotten us into huge trouble.”

The Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act of 2009 was a small but significant piece of legislation passed by the House of Representatives and Senate in January 2009. Arising from the Supreme Court decision in Ledbetter v. Goodyear Tire & Rubber Co. (2007), it changed the conditions under which a 180-day statute of limitations on filing an equal pay lawsuit. Akin’s beef isn’t with the Ledbetter Act. He’s got a problem with women being paid the same amount for doing the same work – in other words, his problem is with the Equal Pay Act of 1963 and the Civil Rights Act of 1964.

While in an ideal world, employers and employees would be able to negotiate freely on pay, that same ideal world wouldn’t have discrimination based on sex, race, religion and so on. When we get the latter, the former may be possible. Akin’s views on the inviolability of freedom appear to extend only to the convenience of paying a woman (or a black person, a legal immigrant, someone of a different religion, take your pick) less than a WASP or preserving his ‘A’ rating with the NRA. It doesn’t apply when someone wants an abortion (yes, I realise that there are some rational people who are anti-abortion but if you’re going to cite “freedom” as a convenient basis for non-interference by government, it’s either all-in or nothing-in) or when he says that his opponent is “aggressive” and not as “ladylike” as last time. In other words, “freedom” is a word that Todd Akin likes to use when it coincides with his own views. When it doesn’t, it might as well be something from the pit of hell. Speaking of which…

 

Evolution, embryology, big bang: lies straight from the pit of hell

Congressman Paul Broun (Republican – Georgia) had some harsh words to say about evolution, embryology and the big bang at a speech in front of supporters at the Liberty Baptist Church in Hartwell, Georgia. Specifically, he called them “lies straight from the pit of Hell”. Although his speech was made at the Liberty Baptist Church Sportsman’s Banquet last month (September 27), the video of the event was made public by talkingpointsmemo this week. Broun said: “All that stuff I was taught about evolution and embryology and the Big Bang Theory, all that is lies straight from the pit of Hell. And it’s lies to try to keep me and all the folks who were taught that from understanding that they need a savior.”

Yes, embryology is what you think it is – the scientific study of the development of an embryo between egg fertilisation and fetus stage. Broun will be aware of that because he’s a practising physician and points out several times on his own web page that he’s a doctor.

As a Republican congressman from the great state of Georgia, one would almost expect Broun to have misgivings about evolution, the big bang and the earth being older than a few thousand years. That’s par for the course where the sun rarely shines. Declaring that dinosaur bones are real loses a lot of votes in some places. But calling embryology a lie “straight from the pit of hell”? He’s a doctor, with a degree in chemistry. For a doctor who doesn’t spend his time conjuring rain for his villagers, that’s like denying gravity or heat energy. Somewhere along his life path, someone must have hit him on the head with a big clawhammer. He’s running unopposed for Congress in Georgia’s 10th district. A petition to oust Broun from his position on the House Science, Space and Technology Committee has picked up 40,000 signatures in the past few days. No Democrat would run against him in the election. With an election in a month, that’s the only paper vote that counts. In other words, he’ll be voting on federal legislation for at least another two years. Best of luck with that, folks.

The full video is here but you just want the good bits so here (youtube link: 1min24sec) you go. Just remember – Paul Broun: Congressman, lawmaker, doctor, chemistry degree-holder, embryology denier, running unopposed this November. Residents of Georgia, you built that.

 

 

China: New aircraft carrier! Whoops, no aircraft to land on it.

China has launched an aircraft carrier (purchased from Ukraine and refurbished) to protect Chinese waters and show off Chinese military power. Unfortunately, they don’t have any aircraft capable of landing on the ship and don’t have any pilots trained to land the non-existent fighters, even if they had them (which they don’t). The Chinese Ministry of Defence said that the aircraft carrier will help the country “to effectively protect national sovereignty, security and development interests”. American Navy officials have previously said that they would encourage China to build its own aircraft carrier as it would be a waste of money. China, you fail at being scary.

 

Hotel “won’t be open to Chinese”

While China fails at being scary, French fashion designer Thierry Gillier might be wary of visiting Beijing any time soon after he declared that a new hotel he’s designing “won’t be open to Chinese tourists“. He made the remarks to Women’s Wear Daily magazine when describing the luxury hotel scheduled to open in Paris in 2014. Mr Gillier reportedly urged the magazine to change his words from “Chinese tourists” to “busloads of tourists”. Chinese weibo users were not impressed.

 

Video Games – also from the PIT OF HELL

Maine Republican Party spokesman David Sorensen is shocked, shocked, horrified! that state senate candidate Colleen Lachowicz spends some of her time playing an Orc in World of Warcraft, stabbing creatures in video games rather than stabbing prostitutes, or other things that I just made up as an assumption of what he’d prefer.

In fairness, Lachowicz probably shouldn’t have typed “I like stabbing things” (not mentioned in this report but it has been in others) as it looks bad from someone running for office. It’s more than balanced by Sorensen talking about her “bizarre double life” though as though she’s some sort of Jame Gumb character. David Sorensen nominated a fake slate of Ron Paul delegates at the Maine GOP convention last May in an attempt to fiddle the results. Maine’s been troublesome for the Romney campaign. He may just have put Colleen Lachowicz in the position of getting some extra votes from people who like to play games, even if they’re not usually Orc-friendly.

 

This is a bomb. Meep Meep! PS: where’s the camera guy?

Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu took his chance at the UN General Assembly to warn the world about Iran’s nuclear programme. To the joy of the world’s political satirists, he demonstrated his worries using a picture of a bomb (youtube link, 3 minutes) that might have been designed by the coyote in the Road Runner cartoons. In case no-one knew what he was talking about, he pointed out that it was a bomb, that it had a fuse and that a red line should be drawn on Iran’s nuclear programme. He even drew a red line on the picture, using a thick red felt pen. In case you’re wondering, that red line needs to be drawn near the top, near the fuse and certainly before Iran’s coyote gets his hands on a large elastic band or a sign reading “Oops”.

 

Mahmoud Amhadinejad, president of Iran, had his own little embarrassment following his UN speech (I could include the speech but you already know it condemned the West and Israel for being warmongers so it’d be like watching a re-run of a suspense movie that you’ve already seen). Having brought a delegation of 140 people with him to New York (in fairness, someone has to make the tea, someone has to carry the tea, someone has to buy the unobtainable basics…), his cameraman defected to the US while he was there. Hassan Gol Khanban told fellow delegates that he was nipping out to the drugstore and never came back. The United Nations’ reaction was “meh“.

 

Hey, doesn’t the piping on that blouse look a lot like a…

Online fashion retailer ASOS somehow thought that this would make an excellent addition to their Autumn collection. Yes, it’s a woman’s blouse with a (presumably unintentional) penis design on the front. To be fair, ASOS describes its collection thus: “Directional, exciting and diverse, the ASOS Collection makes and breaks the fashion rules.” Yes, folks, it does. Machine washable.

 

Wanted: Female for Dungeons and Dragons stag night. Topless preferred.

An unidentified chap in Maryland is running a stag night for a few friends and advertised on craigslist for a “woman with Dungeon Master experience in Dungeons and Dragons… preferable that cup size be at least C or greater.” One of them is getting married but has somehow never before seen a woman or known how to talk to her about anything other than trolls or boobs. I suspect that there is no wedding. Don’t all rush at once.

The Also-Rans

 

Fiti Aina and Rocky Tua, two prison officers in Pago Pago (American Samoa) were charged last week with letting prisoners go free, after they sent them on beer runs to a local store. When the prisoners weren’t buying beer for their guards, they were filling coffee and cookie orders. The beer runs were revealed when beer was found in a prison cell.

The Red Flower Chinese Restaurant in Williamsburg, Kentucky, has been forced to close because it got caught bringing road-kill into the kitchen in a garbage can. Customers noticed when workers at the restaurant left a blood trail after the bin they were pushing. Car-killed deer. Yummy. Still, at least it wasn’t a stray cat.

Ke$ha claims to have had sex with a ghost. No, dear, you haven’t. That was your imagination. She didn’t mention whether he looked like Mick Jagger or was kicked to the kerb, which is what the world really needs to know.

Some fans of One Direction are a bit nuts. It should be noted, though, that this is what happens when you repeatedly try to reach out to the, um, kool kids by swearing at them, like “The Voice” (it’s a singing competition on the telly) host Eoghan McDermott does. Eventually, they talk back to you in the same manner and no-one is all that surprised except for journalists who write about twitter.

The Fars News Agency in Iran republished a report that said that rural white Americans would rather vote for Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (president of Iran) than Barack Obama (president of the United States). Unfortunately for the remaining reputation of the agency, it was a verbatim reprint from The Onion. In some parts of the midwest, it may well be true but that’s not the point. Link includes a screenshot.

This week’s Idiot of the Week winner is Nakoula Basseley Nakoula.

Nakoula Basseley Nakoula. Con artist, piss artist, idiot. We don't shoot people for idiocy. Idiots, however, do.

Nakoula Basseley Nakoula. Con artist, piss artist, idiot. We don’t shoot people for idiocy. Idiots, however, do.

Nakoula is the writer and producer of “Innocence of Muslims”, a film intended to do little more than cause reactionary Muslims to react.

Filmed last year, the footage was uploaded to Youtube by Nakoula last July. It went largely unnoticed until early September, when Egyptian-American blogger Morris Sadek uploaded trailers for the film dubbed into Arabic. Sadek also emailed journalists with links to the 14-minute version of the film. Following the September 8th broadcast of excerpts of the Youtube video by Egyptian Islamist station Al-Nas TV, riots resulting in deaths broke out on September 11th in Egypt, Libya, Yemen, Iraq and Lebanon. Smaller protests, some of them peaceful, were reported in other countries. The peaceful protesters are probably overreacting but the violent rioters are idiots. Dangerous, misguided, murderous idiots.

While Nakoula has claimed that the movie was funded by $5 million in contributions from a hundred Jewish donors, ABC News reported that he financed the effort with about $50,000 raised from his family in Egypt. He adopted the alias ‘Sam Bacile’ when funding and making the film, claiming to be an Israeli real estate developer. This was the latest in a string of about fifteen aliases he’s used in a career that has previously spanned tax evasion, illegal drug manufacturing, identity theft and bank fraud.

Cast and crew members involved in the film released a statement on Wednesday, saying that they “were grossly misled about its intent and purpose.” The casting call in 2011 for the film called it ‘Desert Warrior’, saying that it was a historical drama set in Arabia. Nakoula redubbed the film, adding a Mohammed character and drastically changing the storyline.

Ali Hosseini Khameini, former president of Iran (1981 to 1989)and current Supreme Leader, blamed “evil Zionists” and the US for the film. As we know, Iranian Ayatollahs tend to equate the two and, in any case, Khameini views the world in the simplistic manner of a toddler. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, current President of Iran, is basically a nutter (seriously, folks – last week, he accused Iran’s enemies of destroying rain clouds before they reach Iran) so it worries me greatly that he’s the sane one at the top of the Iranian regime. As Israeli leaders also have a tendency to view the universe in simple black and white terms, the entire area is no more sane than it’s ever been.

Nakoula and Khameini are two blokes who wouldn’t particularly object to a holy war between Muslim extremists and non-Muslim extremists, with everyone else caught in the crossfire. It would be easy to put Nakoula in the box reserved for common or garden idiots if he just made a bad movie by himself without realising that angry people would get violent. What Nakoula actually did was rather more sinister. He adopted an alias (not for the first time) to con actors and technical personnel into making a movie that was significantly different from what they believed they were making and has probably put them in some danger from the crazy sort of religious groups who come to your door carrying an axe and pitchfork. One actress featured in the film has already stated that members of her family have been threatened. While protection of freedom of speech is just as important when considering bad art as it is when considering good art, it’s not as though Nakoula was responsible for anything as meritorious as ‘The Satanic Verses‘. (I have a paperback copy. It’s a tough read and not as good as ‘Midnight’s Children’)

Regardless of whether his film is a genuine attempt to depict how he sees Mohammed, a straightforward attempt to annoy all the Muslims on the planet or a quick Producers-style con attempt to take a few million from investors and use $50,000 of it to make a bad movie that no-one wants to see (unlikely but possible), no-one can dispute that he’s put innocent people in harm’s way, both directly (people involved in the film he made, thinking they were filming something else) and indirectly (victims of the riots and attacks caused by the film’s publicity). On that basis, his actions are beyond idiocy and are probably in the stupid tosser loon category, but I don’t award a prize for that each week. He deserves the Idiot of the Week prize, with oak clusters.

I don’t particularly care who makes a movie depicting Mohammed as either a deceitful slave-owning military butcher who married his seven year old cousin or a genuine prophet personally advised and guided by a genuine deity. There should be nothing wrong with considering whether his revelations were real or, if they weren’t, whether they came from his subconscious or were a deliberate attempt to deceive his followers. This could and should be true of anyone who claims to have been spoken to by burning bushes, visiting angels or golden tablets. In large parts of the Middle East, that’s not the case and, mostly, that’s their problem. I’ve never particularly understood why God doesn’t do his own smiting if there’s a need for it but, apparently, that’s not an issue for many people.

If you feel like wasting thirteen minutes of your life (be honest – you’ve watched at least one Adam Sandler comedy), you can check out what’s been released of the movie here. But be warned: it’s pretty bad. I don’t mean “blasphemous” bad. I mean critically awful in a way that makes ‘Jack and Jill‘ look good by comparison. But you may as well know what caused all the hullabaloo.

 

Dishonourable mentions:

 

And I would’ve gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for some meddling kid

Mitt Romney continues to push himself out of contention in the US Presidential elections. Motherjones.com was sent a copy of a semi-informal talk he gave on May 17th at a Boca Raton fundraiser and released the video footage on Monday. You can watch his remarks on the 47% of voters that he thinks will vote for Obama rather than him, regardless of policies, here (it’s just over a minute long):

This is the sentence that will haunt him: “[M]y job is not to worry about those people—I’ll never convince them that they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives.” After a late-night scramble by Romney personnel, the candidate said that his comments were merely “a snippet” and quoted out of context. So I’m including the whole video here.

If you have time, the full video is available in two half-hour segments. Here’s the first half-hour:

Here’s the second:

Motherjones.com reported that the video recorder was inadvertently turned off between the two segments, resulting in about two minutes of Romney’s words being lost. The site was thorough enough to offer a text transcription of the entire speech.

On Saturday, former candidate for the Republican Party nomination Rick Santorum was busy telling attendees at the Values Voter Summit in DC that the media and “smart people” will never be on the side of conservatives: “We will never have the elite, smart people on our side.”

Since Romney’s comments were leaked, the presidential candidate has stood by what he said. He may have forgotten to tell his vice-presidential running mate. Backing Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan called Romney’s comments “obviously inarticulate”.

Here’s a map containing the states with the highest proportions of people who don’t pay federal income tax:

It probably won’t come as a complete surprise that most of these are states that Romney is depending on for votes. Without these states, he can’t win the election. The Washington Post highlighted how dependent Romney is on what they termed “moocher states“.

Now, let’s check out who’s not paying federal income tax and why. 46-47% of Americans don’t pay federal income tax. About half of these people aren’t liable for it because their incomes are low (see this report from the Tax Policy Center) so  the federal government’s tax exemptions and allowances exclude them. Of the remainder, the vast majority are old people who get an extra deduction and low-income working families with children.

I don’t know about the rest of you but I’m not entirely convinced that Romney actually wants to win this election. He’s taken the time to insult a large chunk of voters, many of whom live in states that are expected to vote Republican in November. Rick Santorum is off his leash and is implying that dumb people vote Republican, while Paul Ryan is calling Romney “inarticulate”. As I’ve said before, this is not how a winning campaign is run. This isn’t how I’d run a presidential campaign unless I planned on losing. In particular, Matt Rhoades and Gail Gitcho (campaign manager and communications director) need to take a long hard look in the mirror and pull the reins on their candidates and associated hangers-on – in other words, do what they’re supposed to be doing. If Romney actually wants to win this election, it would help him greatly if he stopped shooting himself in the foot. The dance that follows isn’t particularly enticing to voters. It may even be too late for him to steal from Clinton’s 1992 tactic to make the election about the economy. The hardcore conservative Republicans probably don’t care as Romney isn’t quite right-wing enough for them anyway. They’d probably be happy to lose a hundred elections as long as they can slide someone backward enough for their liking into the job just once. Every time Romney’s opened his mouth in the past few months, all he’s done is lose votes. Perhaps a pledge of silence might help, though he’s probably beyond redemption by now.

 

My neck? That’s definitely not my battered girlfriend

Chris Brown (well-known as a singer and domestic violence practitioner) swears that his new neck tattoo is a representation of a Mexican sugar skull, commemorating Dia de los Muertos. To the rest of the world, it looks like a near-perfect representation of his ex-girlfriend’s face after he beat her. Perhaps he asked for a sugar skull. Maybe he still thinks that it looks like a sugar skull. In any case, it looks like a beaten woman. I prefer to think that the tattooist deliberately made it look like Rihanna’s beaten face as a permanent reminder to everyone what Chris Brown is like when he doesn’t get his own way. There are some women who since 2009 have tweeted that they wouldn’t mind if Chris Brown hit them too. They’re also idiots. Stickers were placed on Chris Brown albums in the Cambridge branch of HMV last week by a women’s group at Cambridge University, asking people not to buy his CDs as he “beats women”.

 

Kelvin MacKenzie eats hamsters but only because he’s told to

Kelvin McKenzie‘s long been a figure of controversy in British media circles. As editor of The Sun between 1981 and 1994, he rarely (if ever) had a problem running stories that were later proved to be untrue. His crowning moment probably came in April 1989, when he ran a front page about the Hillsborough Stadium deaths at the FA Cup semi-final match between Liverpool and Nottingham Forest. Under the main headline ‘THE TRUTH’,  the paper claimed that Liverpool fans had urinated on dead bodies, picked pockets of dead fans and attacked rescue workers as they tried to revive victims. While The Sun wasn’t the only national newspaper that printed the accusations, it was the only national daily that made it clear that they should be believed. MacKenzie overruled his own journalists and insisted on framing the report as an accusation. Having expressed regret in 1994 for the front page report, MacKenzie withdrew the apology in 2006, saying that Sun owner Rupert Murdoch had forced him to apologise and that “all [he] did wrong there was tell the truth”.

The (probable) final apology from MacKenzie came last week, following the report (PDF link) of the Hillsborough Independent Panel, which had been instructed by the British government to investigate the disaster. The panel found that the cause of the deaths was a lack of police control, exonerating the fans that had been accused by The Sun. The newspaper itself had already apologised for the accusations in 2004 and issued another apology last Friday, two days after the panel released its report. Liverpool residents are unlikely to be impressed by the apology – circulation of the newspaper in the city has been tiny since the initial accusations and most newsagents refuse to sell it. Kelvin MacKenzie’s apology, somewhat typically, blamed everyone else: “I too was totally misled. Twenty three ago I was handed a piece of copy from a reputable news agency in Sheffield in which a senior police officer and a senior local MP were making serious allegations against fans in the stadium. I had absolutely no reason to believe that these authority figures would lie and deceive over such a disaster.” The full text can be read here.

Steve Bell, cartoonist for The Guardian, offered his pictorial view of the apologies from The Sun and Kelvin MacKenzie. Trevor Hicks, the chairman of the Hillsborough Family Support Group, summed up his feelings towards MacKenzie’s apology quite simply: “It is too little, too late. He’s a low-life. A clever low-life… but a low-life.” MacKenzie belongs on this list for one simple reason: not his initial front page (after all, newspapers make mistakes and sometimes they’re large mistakes) but rather his continued insistence that his front page was correct and fair, years after everyone else recognised that it was anything but. He still believes that it wasn’t his fault. On Tuesday of this week, Channel 4 news reporter Alex Thomson tried a more pointed approach to get a comment from MacKenzie. He didn’t get very far.

 

 

Leave the gun, take the cannoli. No gun? Just take the cannoli.

Cannoli dealers in Boston can breathe easy, now that knife-wielding tourist Robert McTernan is returning to the auld sod of Ireland. The 25 year old tourist was convicted on Monday of brandishing a knife as he stole two cannoli from Bova’s Bakery in Boston’s North End neighbourhood. The judge ordered him to return to Ireland and do 50 hours of community service. Mr McTernan is a chartered accountant. There’s probably a slight regret at the UCD Quinn School of Business that he’s featured in their current prospectus as a highlighted former student but they’ll get over it, Things cannoli get better (yes, I know, I’ll get my coat).

The also-rans

The UK Independence Party (usually known as UKIP) is dropping the pound sign from its logo and changing its name to UKIP, in an attempt to broaden its appeal. Yes, they’re changing their name from UKIP to UKIP.

Vladimir Putin, winner of last week’s Idiot of the Week award, has admitted that some of his camera-friendly wildlife stunts are staged, mainly for the benefit of six mostly-blind Russian pensioners who may have thought that he’s actually a bear-wrestling, tiger-shooting superman who’s loved by endangered cranes.

Late update from the Democratic National Convention: as retired Admiral Nathman honoured American veterans in Charlotte, the ships on the screen behind him emphasising US naval power were actually Soviet warships. Nathman’s men probably fired shots at some of them and definitely stalked them at night in darkened submarines. Now they’re creeping behind him at political party conventions.

Halliburton has lost a radioactive device (link includes a picture) somewhere in west Texas. If you trip over it, you’ll wish that you had stayed 25 feet away from it. Don’t eat it.

Two German master criminals had to make do with two chocolate bars and a piggy bank containing 20 cents when they robbed a shop in Dusseldorf last weekend. Police are searching for two men carrying chocolate and eating a plastic pig.

Every news outlet that published nude photos of the Duchess of Cambridge. The woman has breasts. So does every other woman on the planet. Get over it. Let’s call a spade a spade: anyone who bought a paper to see Kate Middleton’s nipples is an idiot. Whatever about models, actors or actresses who strip off and get paid for it, encouraging photographers to take pictures of people who are out sunning themselves disrobed with reasonable privacy expectations is plain sick. Regardless of whether that person is famous, not famous or got married to someone who lives in a big house because his ancestor won the battle of Bosworth Field. No, I don’t care if you feel insulted by that.

Trial to watch: Kweku Adoboli, a former trader with UBS in London, is accused of gambling away 2.3 billion dollars in unauthorised trades and hidden transactions between October 2008 and September 2011. There’s also a more recent update on the trial from the Washington Post. They’re the sort of concealed losses that make Nick Leeson‘s hidden trades in Singapore look like chicken feed. This would be leading every news report if we weren’t used to commodity traders treating the financial markets as a convenient place to urinate.

This week’s Idiot of the Week is Russian President, Vladimir Putin.

What Putin really thinks of cranes. Photo from his trip to the Construction Design Bureau in Tula in 2009. Photo via KPA / Zuma / Rex Features.

What Putin really thinks of cranes. Photo from his trip to the Construction Design Bureau in Tula in 2009. Photo via KPA / Zuma / Rex Features.

Putin’s most recent “look at me!” stunt, last Wednesday, was a motorised glider attempt to lead endangered cranes to start their annual migration to their winter homes in India and Iran. Reporting for the BBC, Daniel Sandford called it “his latest action man stunt(link includes a video). Fewer than twenty Western Siberian white cranes are believed to survive in the wild so the trip was rather important for species survival. Mariya Goncharova, a biology student working at the bird sanctuary, claimed on Russian social networking site vk.ru that two of the chicks died and several others were injured in the haste to prepare the birds for Putin’s arrival. She said that “One more broke a beak and stripped its claws off on bad netting, and many simply flayed themselves”. Her post was deleted a few hours after it was posted. Less a flight of mercy or hope and more a straightforward photo op, then. It’s fine when politicians have their picture taken next to a toothy girl grinning inanely but if it was a genuine effort to restore the birds to the wild, then it was little more than an idiotic effort with Putin’s involvement.

Having faced ridicule from some Russians for his latest photo-op, Putin hit back at naysayers on Sunday, saying “It’s true that not all flew right away, but the ones that didn’t fly were the weak cranes.” On Putin’s first attempt, only one crane followed him into the air. His second attempt was more successful, with five cranes following his glider but only two birds remained in flight for the full fifteen minutes of his flight. Putin appears to have forgotten that his supposed purpose was to guide endangered birds into the air, rather than engage in a modern form of Spartan population culling.

On Thursday, Putin was pondering the benefits of group sex. Not that anyone actually asked him what he thought of multiple partner rumpy pumpy but he decided to tell everyone anyway: “Some fans of group sex say that it’s better than one-on-one because, as with any collective work, you can skive off”. Yes, Vlad, we get it. You’d like us to remember that you have any Russian woman you like. And if they’re not that willing initially, you can send their families to a gulag or to the darkest part of the matryoshka doll factory where they do nothing but paint noses. You’ve got your finger on the button for all the Russian nuclear warheads that haven’t rusted away and we’re pretty sure that, deep deep down, you want to launch a few just for kicks. Though at least while Putin is flying with cranes or fighting sickly bears, he’s not invading small countries to make awesome displays of Most Feared And Unified Russia so perhaps we should be thankful.

Putin may see himself as the latest man of steel to rule over the steppes (and beyond) but to the rest of the world it just looks like he’s overcompensating for being kicked in the schoolyard in his youth. Those Вовочка jokes (“Vovochka” is a diminutive form of Vladimir) so loved by Russians may not have helped. He’s ruling over the world’s largest organised kleptocracy, with a penchant for corruption that would make Al Capone proud. Unfortunately, his control over the Russian press and the ballot box keeps him in power. While that still exists, we’re likely to see quite a few more years of Putin continuing his testosterone compensatory outings while corruption continues unabated and possibly a few more decades of it if he finds someone to replace him. He’s this week’s Idiot and I expect him to feature at the top a few more times before he pushes off. One day, I’ll post one of these pictures but not quite yet.

 

Dishonourable mentions:

 

DNC delegate would like to kill Mitt Romney

Julia Rodriguez, a New York delegate at last week’s Democratic National Convention, has been questioned by the US Secret Service after declaring on camera that she’d like to kill Mitt Romney. Asked on the convention floor for her views by a reporter from TheBlaze.com, she said “If I see him, I would like to – to kill him(link includes 50-second video of the interview) in relation to Romney. Presidential candidates are assigned Secret Service protection for the duration of the campaign. In the video, she’s wearing a giant hat, which has been a clown tradition since the middle ages. While Ms Rodriguez almost certainly threatens her local shop clerk with death on a weekly basis for not bagging her eggs correctly, she shouldn’t have been that surprised when the secret service came knocking on her door. She probably was, though.

 

Jury asks judge what “unanimous” means

Jury members in the Joliet, Illinois murder trial of William Peterson last Thursday had to ask the judge what “unanimous” means. Judge Edward Burmila sent back a note defining the word as “its common meaning. It indicates the agreement of all on the matter at hand.” Ninety minutes later, the jury found Peterson guilty of killing his third wife. 85 of those minutes were probably spent on interpreting the judge’s note. Peterson’s fourth wife is still missing, presumed dead.

 

Irish judge in plonkerism shocker

Athlone judge Seamus Hughes (for non-Irish people, Athlone is in the middle of Ireland and mostly exists because if you’re going to build a bridge over a river, you build a town with it) did the reputation of the Irish legal profession no favours last week when he included the following in sentencing an arsonist: “Nobody has indicated it to me, but I suspect he comes from a certain ethnic background that would give him even more form given the type of behaviour in which some of them engage… As I’ve described it before, they are like Neanderthal men living in the long grass, abiding by the laws of the jungle.” Judge Hughes may have thought his comments were cleverly oblique but he was obviously referring to Irish Travellers. Unfortunately for the judge, he made his comments without checking to see if his stated suspicions was correct. Also, he’s created a situation where anyone who is a member of that community can now legitimately claim that he’s prejudiced against them and, thus, should recuse himself from judging any case against them. He’s made a mess.

While Irish judges are renowned for their off-the-cuff asides, Judge Hughes has some form even by general standards. In July of this year, he declared that “It’s like handing snuff around at a wake the way social welfare is handed around in this country” when it emerged that a man convicted in his court of copyright offences was claiming social welfare after leaving Ireland. In September 2010, he ordered a man convicted of shouting abusive comments at a female police officer to climb pilgrimage mountain Croagh Patrick as contrition. In March 2011, he offered support to vigilantism not typically expressed by a legal justice during a trial following a farm equipment theft when he said: “It takes a Mayo man to put an end to that sort of thing and I’m not talking about myself. I’m talking about the venerable Pádraig Nally” (Pádraig Nally was acquitted of manslaughter in 2006 after he shot a burglar).  There are other examples of his faux-hilarity but he’s had enough space here already. A Fianna Fail TD for Mayo West between 1992 and 1997, Judge Hughes was appointed as a District Court in 2009. Slow as I am to put myself in a situation where I have to carefully check every speed limit as I drive through the judge’s jurisdiction, Judge Hughes could do well to leave his editoralising until after he leaves the bench.

 

Arizona judge has existentialist view on sexual assault

Completing the trio of court-related stories this week, Arizona judge Jacqueline Hatch told a victim of sexual assault that “If you wouldn’t have been there that night, none of this would have happened to you”. While the judge said that the victim, unnamed by the press, was not to blame in the case, she added: “I hope you look at what you’ve been through and try to take something positive out of it. You learned a lesson about friendship and you learned a lesson about vulnerability.” Robb Evans, convicted of sexual abuse in the case, had drunk eight beers, before driving to a local bar and flashing his police badge to gain access. Standing behind the victim, who was a friend of one of his friends, he put his hand up her skirt and rubbed her genitals. Following the judge’s comments, the victim pointed out to the Arizona Sun newspaper that if she had not been there, “it probably would have happened to someone else”.

 

Is that a monkey in your trousers or…

Three unnamed people (the Hindustan Times calls them “three boys“, the BBC “three men” – either way, they’re three idiots) were arrested in Delhi on Monday when small primates were discovered in their trousers during a flight stopover. Red slender lorises were concealed in polythene bags in the trousers of two of the individuals, who were flying from Bangkok to Dubai. After the first loris was found, a second member of the threw his concealed primate in a nearby bin in an effort to evade detection. The animals were sent to a local zoo for treatment. The animal-smugglers were arrested at the airport. The single member of the trio without a primate in his pants was permitted to continue to Dubai. Lorises, related to the better-known lemurs, mainly live in forest regions of south-east Asia. This was the second incident of animal smuggling discovered in India in September. Last week at Mumbai airport, a man was caught with ten turtles in his underwear. He was accompanied by two other men helping him to smuggle six Persian cats, three tarantula spiders and eleven eggs of unknown birds.

 

Darwin nominee: Dangerous stunt spins out of control

A German man, identified only as “Tobias” was killed last week in the Bavarian town of Oberviehbach when a dangerous playground stunt went wrong. With the help of three friends, he duct-taped himself to the carousel. His friends then ran a rope from the carousel to their car before driving off, spinning the carousel quickly. The carousel was spun at such a high speed that the duct tape failed to secure the man. He was flung a distance of six yards, landing face-first into the ground and breaking his neck. He died at the scene. He was a member of the “Bavarian Dumbasses”, who are known for videoing dangerous stunts and posting them on the Internet. The victim’s father said: “I wish these video on the Internet would be banned — these are dangerous actions.” Police have since removed the carousel from the playground. Commentary: Obviously it’s sad that he died but this was a stupidly dangerous stunt carried out without any proper effort at safety control so the tragic result isn’t entirely surprising.

The also-rans

In Ashburn, Virginia, middle school substitute assistant teacher Jaqueline Barnes was sent home for coming into school drunk on her first day of work. The local sheriff charged her with being drunk in public. People don’t tend to be very kind towards being drunk if you’re supposed to be teaching children.

Scott Douglas Jury, of Grove City, Florida, forgot that bank ATMs have cameras when he filed a police report saying that someone had withdrawn $1,515 from his bank account without his knowledge. After accusing his son of withdrawing the money, police examined footage from the banks. Jury confessed to withdrawing the money himself, using it to pay bills and for illegal prescription drugs. He’s been charged with filing a false police report.

Kanye West has been plumbing new class-lacking depths by bringing up his girlfriend’s sex tape at every opportunity. I’m not really much of a fan of celebrity for celebrity’s sake and I couldn’t tell one Kardashian from another (and that probably includes the non-Kardashian living with them who used to do the decathlon) but if you’re going out with someone you like, continually banging on about their sex tape shows a lack of class. Even from Kanye West, whose idiocy is pretty much beyond parody.

 

And finally…

A survey carried out at St Patrick’s University Hospital in Dublin, Ireland appears to indicate that 20% of Irish people think that people suffering from mental health problems are of below average intelligence. It’s unfortunate that a chunk of people know so little about something that affects so many but you’re not that surprised, are you?

Yes, I realise that this should have been written on Sunday. Must do something about that.

This week’s Idiot of the Week Award goes to the Moon Landing Deniers.

Even if the moon landings were faked (which they weren’t), it’s still a better movie than James Cameron’s ‘Titanic’. Pic from worldofweirdthings.com

Following the death of Neil Armstrong on Saturday, his passing was noted by pretty much every news organisation on the planet. He’s one of the most famous humans in history. So much so that in a few hundred years, it’s quite possible that only three things from the twentieth century will be significant enough to be known by a typical eight-year old: the two world wars and Neil Armstrong walking on the moon. While many people were recalling the achievement of Neil Armstrong and NASA on Saturday evening, the Moon Landing Deniers were reminding everyone that they don’t believe that it happened. I realise that a chunk of them like to call themselves Moon Landing Truthers or Moon Truthers but, either way, it’s pretty clear to whom I’m referring.  Discussions as to whether the Apollo missions actually reached the moon or the moon missions were all a hoax shot on a soundstage have been active since the mid-1970s, with flames initially fanned by Bill Kaysing’s self-published book We Never Went to the Moon: America’s Thirty Billion Dollar Swindle. Obviously the Flat Earth Society had some profound views as well.

Over the years, photos and video footage from the missions have been examined at great length by scientists and non-scientists, leading to a series of accusations and rebuttals on the topic. Short view: there are too many people in the world who make up their minds based on one or two badly-made documentaries by people looking for attention. There’s a comprehensive wikipedia page examining the claims and evidence, which is a nice embarkation point if you’d like to check out what people have been claiming for forty years. A simple google search for “moon hoax” will give you as much information on both sides (crazy and sane) as you’d ever need to know. To a committed conspiracy theorist, evidence is nothing compared to what they really know in their hearts so if you’re convinced that Stanley Kubrick directed a series of movies for NASA depicting faked landings on a holographic moon that is only 30,000 feet above the surface of the Earth, there’s nothing that anyone can say to convince you that it actually happened. Still, don’t worry – you won an award this week. Even if it’s the Idiot of the Week Award from someone you’d consider one of the sheeple. Everyone loves awards.

Here’s a two minute sketch from series 4 of That Mitchell and Webb Look. If we’re going to talk about moon landings, we may as well get a laugh out of them.

 

NBC was first with the story of Armstrong’s death and NBC staffers got everything correct in their tweet announcing that Neil Armstrong had died. Unfortunately, on the NBC website, they didn’t.

NBC’s announcement of the death of “Astronaut Neil Young, first man to walk on the moon”

We’ve all thought one thing and typed another. But just for the record, Neil Armstrong, first man to walk on the moon, died on Saturday. Neil Young, Canadian rocker who released an album called ‘Harvest Moon’, is still alive.

 

Dishonourable mentions:

 

The Todd Akin “legitimate rape” incident has turned into a minor saga since last week, mostly due to Rep. Akin deciding that he needed a bigger hole to sit in. He’s continued to dig down, hoping to find sanctuary, forgiveness and a group of voters who will assume that he’s just a misunderstood good ol’ boy. Let’s remember his original quote from last Sunday:

“Well you know, people always want to try to make that as one of those things, well how do you, how do you slice this particularly tough sort of ethical question. First of all, from what I understand from doctors, that’s really rare. If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down. But let’s assume that maybe that didn’t work or something. I think there should be some punishment, but the punishment ought to be on the rapist and not attacking the child.”

When his comments became international news, Akin’s first reaction was to assume that the problem was with the use of the word “legitimate”. He said that what he meant was “forcible rape”. Over the next few days, he gradually realised that the greater problem was with his statement that the female body has a built-in alarm system to prevent pregnancy when a woman is raped. He eventually said that his statement was incorrect, asked for people’s forgiveness and their prayers. One can reasonably assume that he’s made peace with his God over the issue as he sees him in the mirror every morning.

Rep. Akin has confirmed that he’s staying in the Senate race in Missouri, despite GOP leaders pleading with him to drop out and withdrawing central funding for his campaign. John Cornyn, chair of the National Republican Senatorial Committee, accused Akin of “endangering Republicans’ hopes of retaking the majority in the Senate”. Since Akin’s comments were made public, his lead in Missouri opinion polls has turned into a nine-point lead for Democratic incumbent Claire McCaskill. He’s clearly “endangering Republicans’ hopes of retaking the majority in the Senate”.

The Renegade Raging Grannies took some time out to record this song with a message for Todd Akin. As it’s sung to the tune of Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah, it’s pretty darned catchy.

 

Most people have become used to the reality that large corporations are not charitable organisations and have profit-generation as their primary purpose. Still, no-one expected Chris Mahoney, director of agriculture trading at Glencore, to come out with this humdinger in relation to difficulties in feeding all the people on the planet: “The environment is a good one. High prices, lots of volatility, a lot of dislocation, tightness, a lot of arbitrage opportunities.” You could reasonably say that he’s just being honest – CEOs at some of the large food companies are probably rubbing their fists with glee as a result of the failure of local crops in the US Midwest and across Russia. Wholesale food prices have soared this year as crop yields have taken a beating, leading to food shortages across the world. With a few short comments, Mahoney managed to remind anyone listening that he’s planning on making a fat pile of cash out of it. There’s probably a team of PR people in his office trying to teach him how to act a little more sad about it.

 

Spare a thought for Ole Derje, the director of the Soli Brug Gallery in Greaaker (Norway), who has been saving his gallery some money, pennies at a time, by not using courier services to transport artworks bought for the gallery. This week a Rembrandt went missing in the post. Mr Derje said that the painting is worth 40,000 to 50,000 crowns. The Norwegian postal service is offering him compensation of about 2% of its value as it was sent via regular post. They have “advised him to use a more appropriate form of mail when sending items that are worth as much as this with the appropriate insurance connected”. Mr Derje has presumably now realised that all of the money he saved the gallery over the years by using regular post has been dwarfed by the amount of money lost when one parcel went missing.

 

Barack Obama is “110% behind our teachers”, according to a tweet from today. I realise that this is a personal bugbear of mine but this 110% thing has to stop. Saying that you’re 110% behind anything is bad enough on a regular day but when you’re president of the United States, you’re not helping. When you’re using the magic percentage to refer to supporting teachers, including mathematics teachers, you’re reaching for the idiot box. I didn’t think that Barack Obama would make the weekly list this early as he’s rather smarter than his predecessor but I’ve attached the tweet below for your own head-shaking pleasure.

 

Driving while intoxicated is a bad idea. It’s also illegal and rightly so. New Zealand forklift driver Ryan Scott Thompson was so drunk that he went off the road and ploughed his car into the living room of an elderly resident of Woodend, New Zealand at the end of July. His court case was last week, which makes him eligible for the week’s Idiot award. But there would have to be more to the story to make the cut and, of course, there is. It wasn’t enough that his blood alcohol level was three times the legal limit. While the police officer on the scene was taking some details, Thompson was busying himself by urinating into the box of breathalyser tubes. Yes, that’s right. He pissed all over 301 breathalysers without pausing. Apart from the expected driving ban and fine, he’ll also have to pay for the breathalysers. And suffer people poking fun at him on the Internet.

 

British para-cycling world champion Jon-Allan Butterworth has accused non-cyclist members of the UK’s Paralympic squad of “just having a laugh” in an interview with the Daily Telegraph. His blunt comments included: “The para-cycling team won 17 gold medals and three silvers in Beijing from a squad that was only 13-strong. Athletics had 30-odd people there and they won two golds, so where’s that money gone? Scrap all their funding, give it to cyclists and we’ll win double the medals we do already.” Coming only a few days after Lance Armstrong’s decision not to contest the US Anti-Doping Agency’s case that Armstrong had been using prohibited substances in his cycling career, it hasn’t been a good few days for the image of professional cycling. Butterworth apologised for his comments earlier today, after realising that other athletes would probably hear about them.


Tyra Banks seems intent on telling everyone that she’s a graduate of Harvard Business School following her completion of an Owner/President Management Program at the college’s open-enrollment extension school.  Tyra Banks is very far from a dummy but she’s not doing herself any favours here.

 

British smalltime shoplifter Marcus Banwell managed to outwit himself by chewing down on a Scotch Bonnet pepper that he’d lifted from the Singh Stores in Bristol. After drawing attention to himself by vomiting outside the shop, police discovered another four chilli peppers in his pockets (which he was presumably planning on enjoying later with a nice glass of milk and a hospital), a clarinet tucked into his trousers, determined to have been stolen from a nearby music shop, and some crack cocaine and heroin. A Scotch Bonnet pepper has a heat rating of 12-40 times that of a typical jalapeño pepper. Not recommended for consumption on an empty stomach. Or, if you’re me, ever.

 

Let’s close with something cute from the land of leprechauns (as I live in the land of leprechauns, I’m happy to remind you that there are no leprechauns).
The Irish Department of Finance has done some crazy things in the past decade. Failing to adequately respond to an overheating housing market, turning massive losses incurred by non-state-run banks into into debts owed by the state and taking an economy with effectively no unemployment into one with 15% unemployment in under four years. This could be true of most governments in Europe in recent times though. Here’s a new form of craziness: the Department of Finance is actively considering a change in car number plates next year to avoid the number 13. Even nuttier is that the proposed change won’t actually get rid of 13 from the licence plates – it’ll add a ‘1’ or ‘2’ to the end of the number. There are some other reasons for doing so – as the current system effectively groups all cars bought in the same calendar year for ageing purposes, the new system would make cars purchased after June seem newer to buyers. The government hopes that this will encourage more people to buy cars, thereby supporting the car sales market. Ireland has no car manufacturing industry and also has an issue with import-export trade balances. Clearly, this is a country that needs to import more cars.